Woke up in the middle of the night with a song playing in my head. The lyrics said pretty much ‘ Hello, I just wanted to tell you I love you,Isn’t it that you love me too?!? .
Sometimes I use to play this love songs and sing them to myself, to my soul, the Creator. And last night my soul sang back to me. And little I knew what a day full of emotional release would be.
I remembered the first time, lifetimes ago, when I was so hurt by an unresponsive love. I was friends with two men, an elderly and mature one, and a young and restless one. My heart was instantly drawn to the carefree and fun attitude of the younger one, whilst the mature one was melting his heart for mine.
The jester( I called the younger guy) was so easily distracted by all the beauties life had to offer, that didn’t even notice my feelings, or how hurt I was witnessing every single adventure he undertook. On the other hand, the wise guy was trying to support me, finding a purpose for his own hurt.
One day, being so hurt by the jester’s actions, full of anger, and resentment, I decided nothing in my life had worth. Not my capabilities, my creativity, my success, myself with everything I ever owned, from spirit to matter. No opportunity of abundance or love would have ever compensate for the terrible hurt of not being noticed, of not mattering, of not being loved.
And that decision, that hurt, blinded me to such a degree, I couldn’t see myself, I couldn’t even notice my worthiness solely by my own existence. It robbed me the soothing healing of being loved. It stripped my spirit from its powers, gifts, beauty.
That hurt generated endless loops of heartache, unresponsive love, drama, and abuse.
The first abuser is the victim herself/himself by denying the right of giving life. Be it love, ideas, actions, emotions, empires, nothing can come to life when you are blind to your own beauty and worth. When you’ve decided to let the hurt take you against the flow, it’s like surrendering life to death. Everything ceases to exist, everything you once were divides in millions of bits trying to survive, to hang on to other beams of light, waiting for you to remember, to wake up, to forgive, and summon every scattered piece of your soul back to unity. Only then, when you’ve become selfaware once more, only then you’ll get everything in motion, cells, breath, pulse, love, magic. Only then when you’ve noticed yourself rebuilt, you’ll get noticed as a powerful, self-centered, amazing cluster of brilliance.
Holding on to crippling emotions, rages, or pure unforgiveness will just shatter your reality in meaningless motions, blinding darkness, and will rob you from enjoying the amazing, wonderful and limitless being you never noticed to be.
I now see how long I’ve passed myself by, recreating similar situations. It has been a long journey back home.
Every time you feel like life is passing by, like all the luck and joy skip your side of the street, just ask yourselves What is really keeping you on the other side of life? When and why did you throw everything away, denying yourselves the right to be?
The area of your life that is aborting life, is the one that needs the most of you. Your soul, wisdom, forgiveness, acceptance, and love!
Just try and make yourself a declaration of love. Sing it, dance it, celebrate it in any way it comes natural to you. You’ll be surprised when your soul is RSVP’ING.