It took some time to write again, and not because there was nothing to say, but rather because I needed to assess and to give my voice a new frequency to express itself.
The last months I dedicated myself entirely to me. Every day and every moment I could save for meeting up with the naked me, stripped of everything I thought I am or could be.
In the chaos there is always a particular moment when time freezes, and anything else collapses out of existence. And right there you can hear clearly the voice of your being, the core of your desires. It is not bliss, nor epiphany, it is Clarity. You’re calling yourself home and you can see cristal clear what is it that you need to express, to bring forth into your reality.
I suggest everyone to take some time off with themselves, for it is the only real path you can start walking, hand in hand with your soul, your potential, power, desires, and get those tangible results you actually want and need. Walking on a different path is walking away from everything you are, and going further and further from truth.
The mind game is deceiving, but your heart is the one who will always guide you into those experiences you need to have in order to stay true to yourself.
I’ve dedicated the last 10 to 12 years studying sexual behaviour and went through religious, spiritual, social filters in order to be able to get a more accurate view on the matter. Luckily, I was not afraid to subject myself to every filter and challenge, and play every part of the game, living every single angle with dedication and thrill of every single outcome.
And every road I’ve taken brought me back to myself. The nasty, the bad and the ugly were the most rewarding adventures I’ve ever had. I’ve said it before that the hardest exorcism is of one’s beliefs. And there were mountains of piled beliefs disguised as protection, morality, excuses etc. In reality, the blur of fear and guilt, backed up by stories of atrocities which happened to me or were created by me, drifted me away from the truth, serving me on a golden plate the illusory lack of choice.
I understood, finally, that duality presents itself whenever there is a choice to be made. It is, however, the dual perspective that gets us into trouble, gets us stuck in the illusion of lack of choice.
Polarity, on the other hand, offers the possibility of progressive choices. Nothing is ever just good or bad, it is just a narrow and comfortable way of seeing the world. Polarity is what gives complexity, and depth, and meaning to the ever question of ‘ Why? ‘.
And when you direct the Why to your own thoughts, feelings, actions, desires, that is when you start becoming self conscious, aware of your own existence in the vast matrix of the Universe.
And the ever pervading question, for many of us, is Why are we drawn to certain people, even if we are in another relationship?
Usually, this question is more common to the one who is being cheated on. I’ve experienced all three angles of the unconsenting threesome, therefore I can say I know how it feels, as well as the questions and processes that arise from every single perspective.
As a woman I’ve struggled with more shitty programming than a man would in two of the perspectives of the triangle, but needless to say, the process is equally disturbing for men and women alike.
Let’s take them separately.
Why are we attracted to somebody else than our partner? Why do we cheat?
I’ve been in long term relationships and short term ones. Each one with its own intensity and particular combination of flavours.
I have always been a very sexual active woman, overactive actually most of my life. If I desired a partner, there were little to hold me back, expressing my sexuality being the core of who I was. I had one rule, of being completely honest in my relationships, and not play at two ends. Truth has always been another core frequency of mine, so no cheating or lying about it. That rule assured me of not getting too comfy or settling for a so and so relationship.
I used to have this belief that, if you’re commited 100% to your relationship, you can never feel the need for someone else. It is true, unless you’re commited more to your partner( or the idealisation of a relationship) than you are to yourself and your desires. If that is the case, your desires will surface once you meet someone who will stir up your imagination and that magnetic pull won’t let you sleep at night. You might love your partner, and yet, being with the other one is not called cheating, but saying yes to yourself.
If you’re at that point when you can’t go back, the only thing to do is asking yourself why. The problem is not about cheating, that is only a question of inner values, but rather about why the third person had an open way between you and your partner. Ask yourself what part of you does this person allow to come forth, what needs does he/she fulfill, what cravings does this person satisfy? And then you are faced with a choice.
For me, that someone taught me how to listen to my inner voice, and though scary at first, I came to discover a whole different woman inside of me. I ceased to subdue to sexual chemistry, and integrate it in a bigger version, where the heart and mind would complete the passion, the desire, the drive, and suddenly orgasm went to another level of meaning. That someone didn’t do anything else than allowing me to project onto him my deepest desires and fantasies. Once I realised that, I knew that, as much as I loved my partner, I had to be honest with both of us, and leave for an adventure with myself. I didn’t end up with any of them two, but I got myself back, and that is the most precious gift I could have ever received.
I know how seductive and luring can become a situation where you are reminded that you are alive, cause that aliveness is the only reason we set our eyes outside our relationship. And even that is an illusion when we just don’t get the only cheated on one is us, with every little white lie we tell ourselves that everything is just fine.
The second question, and the most traumatic one, not due to the extent of the hurt, but due to the intensity of shattered illusions, is Why are we cheated on?
When you get cheated on, your world collapses, everything you thought you knew becomes moving sands. You doubt yourself, your worthiness, your sanity, God, the Universe, you go in full victim mode, either refusing to let go of suffering or justifying your revenge with the world, or both. Everything is being challenged inside, there is no stone left unturned, the tower collapses and you just question every experience, memory, you look for clues.
For me, being cheated on came as a natural response to my belief systems built around relationships, the wounded feminine, the wounded masculine, an endless imbalance determined by the game of victim Vs perpetrator. It was not a surprise to find out people do cheat, since I’ve seen it in my family from my early childhood, confirming what I’ve learned in all the other lifetimes when I had engaged myself in the so called dramas of the heart. I couldn’t have let my beliefs down and choose a partner to nullify all that experience, but rather go along and made sure I would choose ( unconsciously of course) the one who would allow the undisturbed flow of fucked up programming.
I wouldn’t be honest if I would blame it all on manufacturers malfunction. There were self doubt, fear, unworthiness issues, and basically a whole personality cleverly built to disguise all of that. It was sad to realise that I needed such an emotional and psychological shock to bring everything to the ground, so that I can be able, in the process of reconstruction, to get to know the real me, outside patterns, imposed values and limited views on who I am or who I can or cannot become.
I knew nothing at that point about energy, core powers or desires. I only knew what I saw, a pity simulacrum of confined expression of one’s self.
I chose this experience, and not only once, until I got it, and started building myself up truthful to who I really am. It hurt like hell, but hell is nothing else than what you inflict upon yourself.
Some blessings come in disguise, unless you choose a more conscious approach. That means having the courage and power to dive deep into your own darkness. Only then fear will become a distant memory of your becoming.
The third question in the series, is Why do we become the person to cheat with?
I’ve been a mistress for 7 years. This experience has taught me everything there was to know about myself. It has given me the opportunity to deal with my darkest aspects, and push my limits of consciousness.
It has been the best exorcism I’ve performed so far, in terms of limiting beliefs, patterns, energies, entities etc. It has taken me the furthest from my truth and essence, only to bring me back on track as a whole new being. It expanded my consciousness so widely that I had no choice but to delve into the absolute primordial chaos.
A transformational journey of body, mind and soul I am grateful for.
It started as a challenge for me to push myself to love without asking for anything in return. A well set up goal, not for the faint hearted. Little I knew I would set my world on fire, as well as connect to worlds I knew nothing about. Such complex beings we are, that it takes us years of study and education only to offer ourselves academic justification for lack of balls in facing ourselves.
The conclusion after all these years of being a mistress is that I don’t regret a single embrace, kiss or caress that I offered from heart, I couldn’t possibly deny the positive toll it took on my perception on human interaction, however, I don’t recommend it to anyone who is not on a mission, and who really wants a genuine consented monogamous relationship.
The drama triangle is suitable for those who need a harsher lesson on self love, respect and the power of self awareness as a complete and independent being.
As you can see, none of the three angles were determined by sex. As I came to realise over the years, with myself and others, sexual attraction is the instinctual aspect, a language that we all recognise and easily perceive.
When not knowing how to express our emotions, how to satisfy our deepest desires, we use sex as a means to manifest that which we seek. Most of the times, we only fool ourselves, by offering a bone to chew when we are dead hungry for fine dining.
The main reason we are unable to get the exciting and passionate erotic lives we all crave for, is because we fracture our erotic experience in sexual, emotional and mental, not knowing the only true experience is when those three are engaged in perfect balance at once.
We have yet to discover the true essence of our being, and only then we will be able to offer ourselves and others what we truly crave for.